When I’m not peering through my periscope from the bell tower atop Old Main, I can be seen twiddling my moustache and unfurling my coat tails for the fairer sex. Yes, that’s right. I, Godfried Moneybags, confirmed bachelor for life, have a way with the ladies. I know an Oxford Dictionary’s amount on wooing those boob-ed creatures known as women. In honor of St. Valentine’s Day, I shall answer all inquiries of love.

Dear Godfried,
I like my friend, but I’m scared to tell him. He might like me, too, but I don’t know for sure. These feelings are driving me crazy! Should I tell him? Will that ruin our friendship or make for a better relationship?
Sincerely,
Just a Friend

Dear Just a Friend,
I do not understand the term friend. Males are my chums and women are beautiful courtesans to woo. I do not have any platonic or Plutonic (women of Pluto, a deadly breed) relationships. Why hast this gentleman not wooed you yet? He must be a coward and if he is a coward then he is not worth your time! Put on a coy smile, tighten up your corset, and await this gentleman’s calling. If he does not respond, then assume that he is a homosexual and let a better man come calling. Or a woman. I do not wish to discriminate. Secretary, where’s my roast pheasant??? I’m famished!

Dear Godfried,
I want to break-up with my boyfriend, but it’s Valentines Day. What should I do? I feel horrible.
Sincerely,
Heartbreaker

Dearest Heartbreaker,
Breaking up near Valentines Day is a tricky matter. I suggest you wait until spring and do the following: Take your darling to a blossoming field of daisies in sunny spring when the flowers are opening and beautiful and the grass is soft and green. The sky is bright blue and clouds look like fluffy balls of billowing cotton. He’s looking up at the sky, awed by the natural beauty around him. When he says, “My dearest, I adore thee!” You reply, “I don’t. Goodbye.” And leave him to fill the field with his heartbroken tears. Trust me – it works like a printing press!

Yo Godfried,
Pre-nup, yes or no?
- Ziggy

Dear Zig Zag,
Good God, man! Ne’er shall you marry! It a known fact that I, Godfreid Moneybags, am a confirmed bachelor for life. Yes, it is true that I am engaged to Emmaline Bridgewater – but it is only an engagement! Ne’er shall I marry. Nor should you, good sir. Stay engaged and forget all of the messy money matters.

Until next time, send your inquiries to my delicious secretary Stephanie Weber and I will dictate my answers to her as I try on new ascots.

XOXO,

Godfried Moneybags III

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