You might be thinking, ‘Godfried, don’t get your pantaloons all befuddled!’ But I simply cannot help it. This “play” was lousy. It was worse than Oscar Wilde’s,  ”The Importance of Ernest Goes to Camp”.

First and foremost, where was the gratuitous sex? There was little-to-no flagrantly visible flesh and in a play starring Jon Wikholm I expected full-frontal nudity! One beautiful leading actress, Angela Rak, was fully dressed from head-to-toe the entire time. Why??? Is this not a theatre? Where else am I supposed to get my jollies? Like everyone else in that theatre, my monocle expected a glance at titties.

I found this excuse for a play completely unrelatable. I arrived at the theatre on my horse-drawn carriage, only to find that most of the scenes took place on an autobus. An autobus?!? Who in the name of Charles Dickens rides an autobus?

So to my supposed “writer” Stephanie, please stick to writing only exactly what I dictate to you rather than coming up with your own makes-em-ups for the stage. And thank you for typing up this review. Now stop crying and fetch me brie cheese and strawberries. They make a most delightful snack.

XOXO,

Godfried Moneybags III

Oh, yes, this is my favorite time of year. One might ask: “Godfried, you handsome fellow, what is there to do on such a spring day?” Let me tell you some secrets-o-fun stacked away beneath my top hat.

1. Trampoline Dodge ball. Frisbee Disc is for wussies and the French. I have a far more risky and risque game to get those physical juices flowing (oh, how I love the flow of juices!) . It’s quite simple. Just take a trampoline and jump on it. Have two people stand off of the trampoline on either side and whip a ball at people who are jumping on the trampoline. Want more fun? Throw a tiger in, too.

2. Ice cream licking. What is more fun that eating ice cream? Licking it, of course! Simply put iced cream on a cone-shaped funnel and lick away. The game here is to lick it before the sun melts it away. What fun!

3. Come over to my bungalow. It is true that I, Godfried Moneybags, man of questionable wealth and musk, oft desire company. If you are an attractive North Park student (sorry – no uggos) feel free to drop by. I’ll pour us some fine Tunisian wine, play a tune on the mandolin, and allow the night to take us into its moonlit embrace. Ah…is that not Heaven?!?

That’s all for now, I suppose. This spring weather has me itching to go outside and play trampoline tiger dodge ball. Who’s with me? If you seek advice please contact my fair secretary Stephanie Weber and she will dictate unto me your concerns while I admire the way brandy swishes about in my crystal goblet.

XOXO,

Godfried Moneybags III

Dear Godfried,
I am an English major, but I don’t know if it’s for me. I am considering switching to be a theatre major. Is this decision wise? Will everyone look down on me for being a theatre major?

Sincerely,
Major Dilemna

Dear Major Dilemna,
It is well known from Kedzie to Kimball that I, Godfried Moneybags, am a lover of many things. One of those things includes the theatre. Another one of those things is brandy. There is no finer theatre for me to get my jollies at than North Park Theatre! Go on, young nymph! Shed your cumbersome clothing (you look delicious in the nude…yum), and dive into the sexy pool that is the North Park Theatre Company.

As I understand it, they are in dire need of your help. They need patrons to save the theatre by attending next weekend’s winter one act festival: Save The Theatre, Save The World. 8pm. LHA $3. This offers pure student-directed and performed theatre from the most beautiful creatures on campus such as the dashing Odie Escondo and that wily Sarah Nelson. That fair damsel really fogs my monocle! If only she would answer my love calls – come to me, dearest, for I beckon with bated breath and freshly combed moustache.

Ahem, where was I? Ah, yes, no one will look down on you for being a theatre major any more than for being an English major.

Until next time, send your inquiries to my delicious secretary Stephanie Weber and I will dictate my answers to her as my servant-boy Raul serves me delicate slices of Havarti cheese. Oh, Raul, come closer for this cheese is so thinly sliced!

XOXO,
Godfried Moneybags III

Dear Godfried,
I like my friend, but I’m scared to tell him. He might like me, too, but I don’t know for sure. These feelings are driving me crazy! Should I tell him? Will that ruin our friendship or make for a better relationship?
Sincerely,
Just a Friend

Dear Just a Friend,
I do not understand the term friend. Males are my chums and women are beautiful courtesans to woo. I do not have any platonic or Plutonic (women of Pluto, a deadly breed) relationships. Why hast this gentleman not wooed you yet? He must be a coward and if he is a coward then he is not worth your time! Put on a coy smile, tighten up your corset, and await this gentleman’s calling. If he does not respond, then assume that he is a homosexual and let a better man come calling. Or a woman. I do not wish to discriminate. Secretary, where’s my roast pheasant??? I’m famished!

Dear Godfried,
I want to break-up with my boyfriend, but it’s Valentines Day. What should I do? I feel horrible.
Sincerely,
Heartbreaker

Dearest Heartbreaker,
Breaking up near Valentines Day is a tricky matter. I suggest you wait until spring and do the following: Take your darling to a blossoming field of daisies in sunny spring when the flowers are opening and beautiful and the grass is soft and green. The sky is bright blue and clouds look like fluffy balls of billowing cotton. He’s looking up at the sky, awed by the natural beauty around him. When he says, “My dearest, I adore thee!” You reply, “I don’t. Goodbye.” And leave him to fill the field with his heartbroken tears. Trust me – it works like a printing press!

Yo Godfried,
Pre-nup, yes or no?
- Ziggy

Dear Zig Zag,
Good God, man! Ne’er shall you marry! It a known fact that I, Godfreid Moneybags, am a confirmed bachelor for life. Yes, it is true that I am engaged to Emmaline Bridgewater – but it is only an engagement! Ne’er shall I marry. Nor should you, good sir. Stay engaged and forget all of the messy money matters.

Until next time, send your inquiries to my delicious secretary Stephanie Weber and I will dictate my answers to her as I try on new ascots.

XOXO,

Godfried Moneybags III

1. Ride the 92 Foster Bus: This city is full of buses and trains which are a lot like rides at a park of amusement. The best bus of all is right in front of campus! Impress your friends by riding the bus through its full route. Note to gentlemen: This is how I woo the ladies.

2. Dunkin Donuts: Were you aware that America runs on Dunkin? And that we are currently in America? This is a fact that the employee at the local Dunkin Donuts divulged unto me. Since then I regularly seek fun through their doughy delights. Note to ladies: This is how I will woo you.

3. Attend a Comedy Show: Chicago is the capital for comedy. Don’t fact-check that with a map because none of the liberal media maps show it on there. Every night in the city there is a comedy show and many of them have discounts for students or are free. Might I suggest attending Baby Wants Candy, 10:30pm, at The Apollo Theatre on Friday nights? Tickets are $5 with a student ID. The show is an improvised musical and contains both men and women, eye candy for all to enjoy. Note to the reader: This is how I will woo you.

If you have a questionable question and seek my honorable advice, feel free to send an electronic-mail. Not to me as I live in an age where petticoats are all the rage. Please send all questions to my secretary, Stephanie Weber. That boob-ed creature will then recite your questions aloud to me as I recline in my chaise lounge.

XOXO,
Godfried Moneybags III